From Gumby's OnTheMat Blog
Rigor Mortis Guy:
His plan is to not let you do anything you want to, by grabbing your sleeve, pants or whatever and holding them at arms length. He doesn’t really care if he gets swept or not - as long as his arms remain frozen stiff…he’s won!
Parkinson’s Guy:
A close relative to Rigor Mortis Guy He displays the same brilliant strategy, but makes it extra special by shaking violently due to muscular fatigue.
Commando Guy:
Thinks that all forms of underwear restrict his game and hence chooses to go without. Nothing like a testicle rubbing on your inner thigh to freak you out and let him pass with ease. (Does help sharpen your north/south position escapes though.)
Kaji-Kempo or Japanese Jiu-jitsu guy:
Lets you work on your inferior BJJ techniques and wants to only work on his BJJ techniques as well, but has no problem telling you that if you were “really rolling” he would have done a wristlock to escape but he knows his techniques are superior so he doesn’t need to work on them.
“No Time To Tap” Guy:
thinks that hurting your teammates is a necessity and will put his hips into every armbar, triangle, choke, heel hook etc. Gives you no time to tap whatsoever and pops your elbow until you decide you don’t want to roll with the freak anymore. The guy may even be apologetic afterwards but if you feel so bad why the **** didn’t you give me a second to tap???
Sambo Guy:
I get this one all the time. People think that because I studied under Val Ignatov I have awesome leglocks…Actually most of our game was working the top position, getting position, and some cool armbars. We have some good leglocks but don’t completely dismiss your guard game because of it.
The Wrestler
NEVER does the takedowns the BJJ instructor shows because they are inferior, and even when you are drilling that move shows you the “real” way to do it. Always stands up in your guard and you always have long grueling matches with him but he never taps you out. However, your neck is always sore for the next two days because he has such good head control.
The Professor:
He’s the 34 year-old, chubby guy in the corner with the knee-braces who never rolls anymore b/c he’s recovering from a neck injury (for the past year or so). That doesn’t prevent him from sharing his “encyclopedic” knowledge of grappling with anyone with the misfortune to sit within 15 feet of him. He’s “best-friends” with the instructor. He’s been to every UFC, every local seminar in the past 10 years, and has memorized every instructional video and book available, and will tell you about every possible variation, especially moves that wouldn’t work on a person in a coma. Oh, and the Professor will be getting his purple belt “any day now” — “just as soon as my neck’s better.”
Puny Human Guy:
He doesn’t want to use (or for you to use) any strength at all (as if Bjorn were supposed to develop telekinetic powers). Whenever you tap him, he’ll look disgruntled because, of course, you only got him by using strength.
The Attention Deficit Disorder Guy:
You think he should be force-fed an overdose of Ritalin before every class. He’s rolling with you, but at the same time he’s listening to every single conversation happening on the mat, and paying some attention to every other fight. He’ll give advice to the guys rolling near you AS he tries to pass your guard, he will laugh at a joke someone made on the other side of the mat space when you have him in side control, and he will also interfere with someone else’s conversation when he is in your guard. One sure way to tap him is pointing to the entrance and say something like “what’s Royce doing in here ?” and then take his back as he begins to look around. Oh yeah…he’s the guy who is always babbling when your instructor is showing a technique too…
Stinky Guy:
We all know one. Take an f’ing shower once in a while.
Nail Guy:
Looks like you just rolled with Freddy Kruger afterwards.
Preparation Guy:
this guy takes 30 minutes to get ready back-stage while the class is doing pushups. He tapes every finger and toe with medical tape for some reason
The Pre-Tapper:
This guy has such a quick mind that he’s able to tap 3-4 moves ahead of an actual submission!
Positive Reinforcement Guy:
Taps you 10 times in 6 minutes and then goes “man, you’re getting a lot better.”
The Class-Size Regulator:
every now and then, when the class gets too big and the instructor starts making money, this monster comes around and injures about 20 dudes- resulting in a much more comfortable training environment for all.
“Talker, Texas Ranger”:
These are the guys who are so afraid of subs that they can’t rely on tapping but have to verbally submit. But instead of yelling “TAP!” or “STOP!” They say non-decisive things like “yeah, ok” or “you got it” When someone gets a knee blown out or someone gives up a hold thinking you verbally quit because you can’t just tap the guy’s body, that’s bull****.
The Spaz:
Closely related to “Let’s go light” guy except he doesn’t try to fool you into thinking he’s going light before he goes spastic. This guy usually is medium sized and just goes crazy in every position available. If you’re on your knees trying to work for position he’ll often either bum rush you or try the traditional shove, the spas will push as hard as he can from every position and often with much force so it’s almost a punch, the spaz is also prone to slamming out of submissions.
The Latecomer:
This guy shows up to every class exactly when the grueling warm-up is over and is always fresher than everybody else come rolling time.
Dumb as a Rock Guy:
you try to teach him a technique and he just won’t get it. After 3 month of drilling upa, he’ll say: “ok, what arm do I grab again?”
Faux Gay Guy:
He finds it humorous to act gay and scare people on the mat with it. He is known to tie his t-shirt under his gi, or challenge other people while lisping on the mat. Sometimes he will make sexual gestures while rolling while rolling while the victim has no clue why the rest of the class is laughing. He often requests the instructor to put on 80’s new wave when he turns on the radio.
WON’T LET YOU PRACTICE **** GUY:
This guy is the HANDS DOWN WORST guy to practice with. Whenever learning a new technique, or sweep…anything, this guy wont let you do the move (during practice not rolling). This guy comes in different forms. 1. He won’t let you do the move, because he resists it so much, so you’re never able to learn the move properly…and you look like an ass because everyone else in the room is doing it, but you can’t because of your “tough as balls” partner. His constant resistance makes you look like crap in front of the instructor. 2. This guy won’t let you learn the move properly because he ****ing collapses before you’ve completed the sweep. This guy is like a loose ass piece of paper. You’re transitioning for the sweep, before you even kick his leg to turn him, you find he’s already on his back, and he most likely pulled you on top of him to full mount. Yes, this guy makes you look great, but in the tournament you get your ass handed to you, cuz for some reason, your opponent turns into Douche Bag #1 who resists!!
