Thursday, August 31, 2006

Thursday 310806

Major update coming over the weekend...

Marc Walder seminar tomorrow night!

I'll be at the gym from 6pm onwards. Dave and Marc will be arriving shortly after; get there ASAP guys.

Top Tip: don't try and bash up your mates too make yourself look good or we'll set Tyrone on you :)

Stay away from the dark side

Who turned up to the spar session tonight?

Post reports to comments, I wanna know who got bashed :)

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

BJJ Types Part 3

From Gumby's OnTheMat Blog

Rigor Mortis Guy:

His plan is to not let you do anything you want to, by grabbing your sleeve, pants or whatever and holding them at arms length. He doesn’t really care if he gets swept or not - as long as his arms remain frozen stiff…he’s won!

Parkinson’s Guy:

A close relative to Rigor Mortis Guy He displays the same brilliant strategy, but makes it extra special by shaking violently due to muscular fatigue.

Commando Guy:

Thinks that all forms of underwear restrict his game and hence chooses to go without. Nothing like a testicle rubbing on your inner thigh to freak you out and let him pass with ease. (Does help sharpen your north/south position escapes though.)

Kaji-Kempo or Japanese Jiu-jitsu guy:

Lets you work on your inferior BJJ techniques and wants to only work on his BJJ techniques as well, but has no problem telling you that if you were “really rolling” he would have done a wristlock to escape but he knows his techniques are superior so he doesn’t need to work on them.

“No Time To Tap” Guy:

thinks that hurting your teammates is a necessity and will put his hips into every armbar, triangle, choke, heel hook etc. Gives you no time to tap whatsoever and pops your elbow until you decide you don’t want to roll with the freak anymore. The guy may even be apologetic afterwards but if you feel so bad why the **** didn’t you give me a second to tap???

Sambo Guy:

I get this one all the time. People think that because I studied under Val Ignatov I have awesome leglocks…Actually most of our game was working the top position, getting position, and some cool armbars. We have some good leglocks but don’t completely dismiss your guard game because of it.

The Wrestler

NEVER does the takedowns the BJJ instructor shows because they are inferior, and even when you are drilling that move shows you the “real” way to do it. Always stands up in your guard and you always have long grueling matches with him but he never taps you out. However, your neck is always sore for the next two days because he has such good head control.

The Professor:

He’s the 34 year-old, chubby guy in the corner with the knee-braces who never rolls anymore b/c he’s recovering from a neck injury (for the past year or so). That doesn’t prevent him from sharing his “encyclopedic” knowledge of grappling with anyone with the misfortune to sit within 15 feet of him. He’s “best-friends” with the instructor. He’s been to every UFC, every local seminar in the past 10 years, and has memorized every instructional video and book available, and will tell you about every possible variation, especially moves that wouldn’t work on a person in a coma. Oh, and the Professor will be getting his purple belt “any day now” — “just as soon as my neck’s better.”

Puny Human Guy:

He doesn’t want to use (or for you to use) any strength at all (as if Bjorn were supposed to develop telekinetic powers). Whenever you tap him, he’ll look disgruntled because, of course, you only got him by using strength.

The Attention Deficit Disorder Guy:

You think he should be force-fed an overdose of Ritalin before every class. He’s rolling with you, but at the same time he’s listening to every single conversation happening on the mat, and paying some attention to every other fight. He’ll give advice to the guys rolling near you AS he tries to pass your guard, he will laugh at a joke someone made on the other side of the mat space when you have him in side control, and he will also interfere with someone else’s conversation when he is in your guard. One sure way to tap him is pointing to the entrance and say something like “what’s Royce doing in here ?” and then take his back as he begins to look around. Oh yeah…he’s the guy who is always babbling when your instructor is showing a technique too…

Stinky Guy:

We all know one. Take an f’ing shower once in a while.

Nail Guy:

Looks like you just rolled with Freddy Kruger afterwards.

Preparation Guy:

this guy takes 30 minutes to get ready back-stage while the class is doing pushups. He tapes every finger and toe with medical tape for some reason

The Pre-Tapper:

This guy has such a quick mind that he’s able to tap 3-4 moves ahead of an actual submission!

Positive Reinforcement Guy:

Taps you 10 times in 6 minutes and then goes “man, you’re getting a lot better.”

The Class-Size Regulator:

every now and then, when the class gets too big and the instructor starts making money, this monster comes around and injures about 20 dudes- resulting in a much more comfortable training environment for all.

“Talker, Texas Ranger”:

These are the guys who are so afraid of subs that they can’t rely on tapping but have to verbally submit. But instead of yelling “TAP!” or “STOP!” They say non-decisive things like “yeah, ok” or “you got it” When someone gets a knee blown out or someone gives up a hold thinking you verbally quit because you can’t just tap the guy’s body, that’s bull****.

The Spaz:

Closely related to “Let’s go light” guy except he doesn’t try to fool you into thinking he’s going light before he goes spastic. This guy usually is medium sized and just goes crazy in every position available. If you’re on your knees trying to work for position he’ll often either bum rush you or try the traditional shove, the spas will push as hard as he can from every position and often with much force so it’s almost a punch, the spaz is also prone to slamming out of submissions.

The Latecomer:

This guy shows up to every class exactly when the grueling warm-up is over and is always fresher than everybody else come rolling time.

Dumb as a Rock Guy:

you try to teach him a technique and he just won’t get it. After 3 month of drilling upa, he’ll say: “ok, what arm do I grab again?”

Faux Gay Guy:

He finds it humorous to act gay and scare people on the mat with it. He is known to tie his t-shirt under his gi, or challenge other people while lisping on the mat. Sometimes he will make sexual gestures while rolling while rolling while the victim has no clue why the rest of the class is laughing. He often requests the instructor to put on 80’s new wave when he turns on the radio.


This guy is the HANDS DOWN WORST guy to practice with. Whenever learning a new technique, or sweep…anything, this guy wont let you do the move (during practice not rolling). This guy comes in different forms. 1. He won’t let you do the move, because he resists it so much, so you’re never able to learn the move properly…and you look like an ass because everyone else in the room is doing it, but you can’t because of your “tough as balls” partner. His constant resistance makes you look like crap in front of the instructor. 2. This guy won’t let you learn the move properly because he ****ing collapses before you’ve completed the sweep. This guy is like a loose ass piece of paper. You’re transitioning for the sweep, before you even kick his leg to turn him, you find he’s already on his back, and he most likely pulled you on top of him to full mount. Yes, this guy makes you look great, but in the tournament you get your ass handed to you, cuz for some reason, your opponent turns into Douche Bag #1 who resists!!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Cassini catches backlit Titan silhouetted against The Rings

It's just pretty.

No training today unless your a Muay Thai fiend.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Cowabunga dudes

Thanks to internet piracy I now have 12 hours of footage of this Korean dude busting moves with numchuks.

Awesome :)
(Kieron is a romo)

Sunday, August 27, 2006

BJJ Types Part 2

From Gumby's OnTheMat blog

The Spy:

This guy comes in one day, is very friendly, seems to know a lot about BJJ scene and says he’s from out of town. He rolls and blends in with the students, seems like a very promising prospect for the club. Result: You never see him again after the first class and months later when browsing a competition’s website you see the mother****er in their seminar photos being one of their “regulars”.

The Shadow-Boxer:

The guy who has some striking martial art experience (usually a TMAer who can’t accept the fact that his black belt is being rendered useless by these 150-lb. guys who tap him relentlessly) and decides to feint it in BJJ class. While rolling, will throw fake shots, to simulate a Vale Tudo match. Convinced that a punch will change the pace of the match from anywhere, in the clinch, from his guard, while mounted by someone much better. Usually, this specimen’s actions can be halted with a quick leg grab/take down while he is throwing a knee from the clinch.
Another good solutionis to sit on their chest mounted on them very much underneath their armpits and not actually try to submit them. Watch em squirm.

Takada Guy:

His one goal is to not tap under any circumstances, considering that lasting is almost like winning. This guy mounts no offence at all and concentrates exclusively on tucking in all his extremities and ‘nullifying’ your game. After a round of wasting your time and his, will give you the “you couldn’t tap me, so we’re about even in skill” look and gasp his way to the sidelines to sit the next roll out.
Humiliation time. Remember the surfboard technique Pe de Pano and Marc Laimon have pulled off in competition?

The “One Move Wonder” Guy:

This is the guy who manages to get really good at one position/submission and only goes for that one particular move. While somewhat impressive in the beginning, this is the eternal blue belt that dominates the beginners but never develops the rest of his game. Normally seen with a bronze or silver medal at the local tourneys.

The Pressure Pointer:

Usually a black belt in some other form of martial art who once you mount him or working on choking him, will try to do some kind of pressure point prior to tapping.

The “Challenge The Weakest Antelope In The Herd” Guy:

This is the guy that stands around or stretches when everyone first starts rolling. Then when a new white belt takes a break from rolling, he hops on the mat and says “Hey, lets roll a bit.” He then proceeds to own the fatigued white belt with an assortment of wild crazy subs.

The Natural:

some guy, usually young, comes into the gym and at first gets beat all over the mat, but slowly and surely every week, he gets better. After one week, you can no longer have your way with him. After two, you can only catch him with your best moves. After three, you are struggling to tap him. One month passes and you are tapping each other. Another month and the roles reverse. He will soon tap people you’ve never even gotten close to.
BJ Penn. Except I think it was a matter of days as oppossed to weeks

The False Technician:

Every class this guy’s going up to somebody wanting to show them a “new move” that he’s “invented.” If he considers you “technical” enough he will let you drill his patented omoplata to triangle to armlock to kneebar to toehold combo with him. The major problem with this guy is that he can’t pull any of these moves off on anybody save for the newest guy. The false technician gets owned by almost everybody else and burns with hate for those who school him on the mat with a simpler but more solid game.

The Human Vice:

The beginner who plays football or lifts, who’s sole form of defense and offense is to latch onto your head and squeeze with all their strength. Then you simply sit in the dominant position, usually side control, until they become exhausted let go and then tap 3 seconds later when you go to knee ride or mount

The Lurker:

This is the guy who will sit on the wall and watch you train for an hour w/ every upper belt in the class, saving his energy. Then when you lie on the mat exhausted, will come up to say “wanna train?” but will never train w/ you when you are fresh.

The Sweat Dripper:

some guy, usually late 30’s, early 40’s, that sweats buckets that DRIP on your face when he’s in your guard. You pretty much have to tap as his sweat pours into your eyes, mouth, etc.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Saturday 260806

Attention: Class is off this Bank holiday (Monday 28th) due to Elswick pool being closed for the holiday.

Normal classes resume Wednesday 30th.

Marc Walder seminar Friday 1st! Get your deposits in sharpish if you haven't done so already.

What was the spar session like this morning?

BJJ Types Part 1

From Gumby's OnTheMat blog

Which one are you/recognise anyone?

Pre-Excuse Guy:

This guy has to tell you of every ailment, injury, pain, he has in his body, to not allow you to attack those areas. “Oh dude, my (insert body part) been hurting, so no (insert submission) today” Sometimes this guy goes into pre excuse emotional problems he has, and how it will affect his training. If he’s been really ****ty on the mat lately, it’s because he broke up with his girl, and he’ll let you know about it, so you understand why he stinks.

The Laugher:

This guy rolls with you and is constantly laughing at everything to make the roll so friendly that you won’t push any competition against him, or hurt him in anyway. You’re rolling and get by the wall, “Hahahaha…. dude we’re way too close to the wall, I didn’t want us to go through the wall….hahahaha…could u imagine, kaplosh!! Then we went through the wall and everyone would look and be like OH **** THEY WENT THROUGH THE WALL..Hahahaha” Your best friend (Talker)- This guy is very similar in his thinking, to the laugher. As soon as you start rolling, this guy wants to know what you did over the weekend, what you’ve been up to, how you’re great with the ladies, and your good at bjj… Again this guy thinks being overly friendly prevents competition.

Drama Guy:

This guy is somewhat tough, but as you push the rolling, sometimes your feet hit his head (incidental), or you go for a cross face, and everything you do is a HUGE injury to him. He constantly stops training to let you know that your finger almost touched his eye, and how he needs a 5 minute timeout, because it left him completely in a daze…he’s confused at where he’s at now. This guy I hate the most, because he literally kills training with all the drama he puts into every tiny incidental contact.

The other day in class, there was this guy who got a bit winded after tapping to a choke. He sat down, slightly confused, then asked to borrow a phone so he could “get some advice”. Someone obliges him, and the next thing you know the guy dials 911! He drives himself to the hospital, or course they find nothing wrong (maybe he should have seen a shrink.)

Practice Hero:

This guy stinks, so you roll easy with him, and he’s convinced he can “come up” in the rankings by tapping you, so he’ll go wild out and try hit some crazy heel hook in an effort to get noticed in the class, and loved by the teacher. He trains balls out with zero technique….he wants to be noticed by the entire class

The UG Guy:

This dude never trains but comes in every couple of weeks to let you know all the updated info he has on the MMA game, and how he knows so much more than you do about what’s going on with rival teams in Brazil.

There are some folks who know more about thepolitics and behind the scenes action than I do in class. Bad enough for me as this is what I do for a living.

Dominic’s Apprentice:

goes to class 4-5 days a week, works his ass off. But no matter how hard he tries he just doesn’t get any better. He’ll get caught in the exact same armbar 10 times a roll. He still can’t defend the triangle choke. And he gets mounted by everyone.

“Gotta Go” Guy:

This guy always “has to go somewhere” at the exact moment when class shifts from technique/drills to rolling. “Yeah, I got a conference call in two hours…”

Reformed Gangster:

This guy usually turns out in the long run to be the coolest, but the biggest douche bag in the short run. This guy covers all forms of troublemakers or gangsters. He’s a cholo who thinks he’s a badass cuz his vario is tough. He’s a black guy who thinks he’s a badass because he’s black. He’s a white guy who thinks he can kick ass because he gets faded on the weekends and starts fights with guys at a trashy bar. Each one of these guys comes in with a huge chip on their shoulder, and they get HUMBLED so quickly. After tapping them 6 ways to Sunday every rolling session, as the months go by (if they continue to train), they completely lose their hard gangster persona…. its funny to see the transition of some cholos to just a tough ass calm dude down the line….

The “Instructor” :

rolls around like any other guy and can have any skill-level but when you finally get his back and struggle to choke the **** outa him he goes wait, you’ve got wrong mechanics… wait you gotta do like this.. More like that etc. He lets you understand that he didn’t get caught and he’s not about to get the **** choked out of him, in fact he’s just in the process of showing you how to choke.

The All Hat No Cattle Guy:

Has every PRIDE and UFC on tape, has every BJJ book ever published, every BJJ instructional video/DVD ever produced, has a wide range of gis to choose from, has at least 10,000 posts on the UG, can recite the contents of from memory, and sucks at BJJ; will be awarded a blue belt in about ten years out of pity.

The “Good ****” Guy:

He’s similar to the instructor, in that he can’t accept tapping….so if you are transitioning to a triangle choke, and he’s kind of sunk, but before you fully finish the hold, he’ll tap and give it to you. This guy always taps on the transition to a move, not the move itself, and says “Good ****” like he let u catch him….and considering he didn’t tap when you completely had the choke sunk in, you didn’t really beat him.

The “Let’s Go Light” Guy:

who then proceeds to decapitate you and tear you limb from limp with neck cranks and head squeezes

The Gasser:

Goes all-out for 30 secs and blows his wad. Then taps when u get a dominant position

The “This Is My First Lesson” Guy:

which translates to ‘this is my first lesson here’ but I was an NCAA div 1 wrestling champ and trained in Brazil for a few years

Friday, August 25, 2006

Friday 250806

No gi spar session!

Well done everyone who turned up to spar for most of the night and then crawled off the mat towards the end :)

Sparring is important, watch out for a gi sparring night at Elswick sometime soon.

Neil says he's gonna scrub all y'all suckers in the gi.

Also; Ahsan said that you's guys look like dorks...

Adam S

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Thursday 240806

Dear Dave; (and his four mates)

For time: 21-15-9 reps of:

Wall Ball

Make them understand it's a race for time and clock them in turn... Go first.
Wall ball to 10 foot target (heavy ball) squats to parallel! Partition the pull-ups if needed.

Good luck with that ;)


Dave J: 4.14 (16 Years old).

Dave S: 3.25

Ben: 5.51 (16 Years old).

Dave Elliot 2.39 Champ!

Well done guys! Excellent effort and impressive scores.

Sumo! Wed 23rd

Wednesday 230806

Dear Dave; Rest Day

Have a Margarita

Gi is optional tonight (Wed Elswick)

Tourney on Sunday in Glasgow!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Tuesday 220806

Dear Dave; 3 rounds for time

Run 400 metres
12 knees to elbows (invent something to hang on)
5 handstand pushups
15 wall ball shots (ten foot target)

Former undisputed Cage Rage featherweight Champion Babe the pig

Monday 210806

Dear Dave;

60 pull-ups
60 push-ups
60 sit-ups
60 squats

Post time to comments.

Supreme National Grappling Championship

Championship Belts for each of the ten weight categories, and decent trophies for silver, bronze, best team, fastest sub and best fight.

There will be cash prizes in each weight division for 1st, 2nd & 3rd places. Cash prizes total a minimum £850

under 62.9 kg
63-67.9 kg
68-72.9 kg
73-77.9 kg
78-82.9 kg
83-87.9 kg
88-92.9 kg
93-97.9 kg
98 + kg

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Sunday 200806

Dear Dave; Rest day

It's 35 degrees in Newcastle!


Box Jumps

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Saturday 190806

Dear Dave; 100 situps for time
(Hook your feet, elbows all the way up to your knees)

Post time to comments.

Armbar finishes 19th August

Karo Parisyan vs. Diego Sanchez UFN 6 - Part 1

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday 180806

Dear Dave; 3 rounds for time of:

Run 400 metres
30 box jump, 24 inch box
30 wall ball shots, (ten foot high target) substitute/invent as needed.

Post time to comments

Ultimate Fighter Season 4: Old Faces in New Places

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thursday 170806

Dear Dave;
Complete as many rounds as you can in 15 minutes of:

5 pullups
10 pushups
15 squats

Post rounds and fractions of rounds to comments

Can you name all the people in this photo?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Wednesday 160806

Dear Dave; Rest day - Enjoy the beach :)

Rob vs Baz 12th July 2006

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Tuesday 150806

Dear Dave; this should keep you busy:

Give 30 minutes to handstand and handwalking practice.

Get some photo's!

Have a head stand competiton. Post winning time to comments


Guys get your deposits in for the Marc Walder seminar.

Not long left!

World Champion Martial Arts Masters Meet Cutting-Edge Technology To Test the Most Complex Weapon on Earth –the Human Body

Monday, August 14, 2006

Monday 140806

Dear Dave; 100 Pull-ups for time:

Partition as necessary, post time to comments.

(Top Tip: use chalk.)


Drugstore Athlete, by Malcolm Gladwell, The New Yorker

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday 130806

Dear Dave; Run 5 km

No more, no less (find a map and don't forget suntan and a hat!)

Post time to comments

Next task of the day:

Buy a basketball/ball; slice it open and fill with sand... Glue/tape.

Give it a name :) (Useful later this week)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Dear Dave Saturday 120806

Just because your on your hols doesn't mean you get away with doing zero fitness stuff :)

Luckily today is a:


Check back tomorrow for instructions muhahahahahahahahaha

still why don't you tell us what your getting up to in the 35 degree heat eh?

Add reports to comments


Pete Irving is featured in this months Fighters Only mag

"Newcastle-upon-Tyne based fighter Peter Irving stands out from a crowd. Numerous tattoos adorn his chiselled figure and depending on the week, day or even hour, a colourful and outlandish haircut sits atop his head."

Full Story

Post thoughts to comments

Lisa has been invited to compete in Smack Girl: Japan.


Go Lisa!

Post thoughts to comments.


Breaking news; Ahsan is transexual AND metrosexual.

Good luck with that bro.


Kieron's done a stellar job with t'other website so I intend to shamelessly steal content from him and generally rain on his parade. Sorry/thanks mate.

I'm thinking it will be a good thing to move to a blogging format and have several people upload info and photo's as we go... So here's the first of many:

This is of course a photograph taken of Dave before he left for his holiday.

Here is Tyrone:

Friday, August 11, 2006

Day 1

This will be a test post

Blog entry number 1

Will have to collect some content methinks!